Is There A Disney on Alderaan?

It feels like I’ve finally escaped from George Lucas’ basement, after 15 years of abuse, I get out into the garden, over the fence, knock on next door and to find Mickey Mouse with a massive erection just laughing at me.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                 – A Friend of Mine

So this is old news by the standard of modern news cycles. But while news organisations like to get on top of things and give you LIVE! BREAKING NEWS! ALL THE FUCKING TIME!, sometimes I find it is best to give yourself a few days, or at the very least a couple of hours to properly digest information. Sometimes this involves some form of medication for indigestion. Jägermeister would be a good place to start, since it’s a digestif and cough remedy, and relieves you of your mental faculties.

So Disney and Darth Vader. It seems strange, yet a match made in heaven, because let’s face it, on three points, as much as it sticks in your throat, it makes sense. Firstly, Lucasfilms is hardly a company that takes the feelings of its fans into account, much like any humdrum evil empire. Secondly, it is a company that made itself famous on a trilogy of films about an evil empire. Thirdly, Disney is doing what big evil companies do. Hell, they already own the rights to the rest of the Marvel movies.

AHH! A mouse! Kill it!

In some ways, wresting the legacy of Darth Vader from George Lucas might not be a bad thing. He seems to be completely out of touch with what fans of his films want. Though in fairness to him, they still spend money watching his films and buying his toys. Empires prop themselves up with a mixture of coercion and consent. This of true of political empires as it is of entertainment empires.

Look at Michael Bay. While he has been accused of repeatedly raping our collective childhood (and by ‘our’ I mean very little since this would encompass a couple of generations) firstly with Transformers, and soon with the Ninja Turtles (who will always be mutant and teenage to me), people still go to see his films. On a side note, can we collectively stop using the word rape for this kind of thing, I get that it’s sad and all, but it’s a bit of a strong word for something that ultimately isn’t going to actually traumatise you. I was well excited about Transformers. The first one was silly and all but it was entertaining and I let all the terrible parts of it go. I assumed with the second one they would take on all the criticism that came out about the first. Alas no. It was more of the same. But people still watched it. And they watched the third too. As did I.

Blockbusters tend not be quality films in terms of story lines. They are explosions and effects. Obviously there are lots of exceptions. But never mind.

Disney plan to release a further trilogy of films. The saving grace of this news is that Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman won’t spend most of the time boring the living Christ out of me. That’s the hope at least. I will inevitably go see these films. As I imagine most Star Wars fans will.

Just wait until you see this rolling on your screens.

The shock and horror is justified at the news. George Lucas will probably still have far too much control over the (hopefully) final act in this saga. But at least there will be others involved and that may lead to some actual quality back in the films. Though, chances are they will attempt to alienate as many people as possible in the process with Mickey Mouse easter eggs and the inevitable 3D. As fans, sometimes you just cannot win. Sadly, now it will feel like handing over your money to a mouse with a gun to your head. The only trouble is that you’re not putting up a fight.

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