Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Way.

These should be placed everywhere

I’m not going to lie. I don’t walk at a particularly fast pace. In fact I walk kinda slow. If I am walking with someone else, most people in fact, chances are they will end up a couple of metres in front of me before they turn around and huff and wait for me to catch up. My excuse is that I’m not particularly tall, and therefore don’t have a particularly long stride. Also. I like to take it easy. I am a firm believer in that.

At the same time though, I am not in any one’s way. What with being kinda short and all. But you all know what I am talking about. Mostly it’s tourists who spend so much time looking upwards at pretty buildings. Or they are lost and looking down at maps. They are slow in places where everyone else is walking quickly and the street is not big enough, or too crowded to get around them. If a crowd is moving at a certain pace, fucking move with them. It’s frustrating for everyone involved. And it’s not like they don’t know what they’re doing.

Tourists generally are the worst at this. They live somewhere else where I am sure tourists probably go to, and they probably get irritated by it just the same. Yet somehow they are oblivious to their own actions in other countries. It drives me round the fucking bend sometimes.

But that’s fine. They’re lost and not sure what’s what. Possibly don’t even speak the local lingo and are too timid to ask for help. So they stare at maps and sign posts bothering just about everyone. It’s a surprise to me that they’re not shanked more often. You can picture it now… “Sorry judge, I’d had too many tourists just staring up into space with their big maps getting in my way. I had to do something… it would’ve been easier to step over a freshly shivved tourist than step round it”. Judge says “Actually, quite right laddy. You’ve done the country a service! Drinks all round!”.

I.e., get out of the fucking way

But slow walkers aren’t that much of a problem where I live. Most people here are in such a hurry to get in front of whoever is in front of them, you could easily end up in front of a bus because of it. I am actually not kidding about that. A friend of mine wrote that it was like a big game everyone played called ‘If I’m in front of everybody else, I win!’. It’s very apt. What is a massive problem though, is the people that stop in the most random places fully aware of the fact that there will be people behind them. No warning whatsoever. Just a stop. And that’s it. You inevitably walk in to the back of them and you look like the idiot not paying attention. And you want to hit them. You look frustrated. And because I live in China, you’ll get a look of ‘What the hell is this stupid laowai doing?’. Which then leads to you being red in the face about how unfair it all is. It’s all one big nightmare really. There you are mosying along and, oh, you’ve walked into the back of some pillock who’s thought they really need to stop and text someone right then and there, and can’t do it whilst walking. Fuck those people. Fuck them straight to hell.

But the sin of sins. The grandfuckingdaddy of all slowing/stopping things that should be banned is stopping at the top, or indeed bottom, of escalators. There is simply no excuse for it. For fucking Christ’s sake, they are moving fucking stairs. That lots of people use! There people behind you. And even if there aren’t, don’t bloody do it! Why does anyone in their right mind think that stopping at the top or bottom of an escalator is not an issue. You’re not the only person that uses them, so don’t assume that. It’s simple. Left foot, right foot. One follows the other. It’s called fucking walking. You know how to do it. There is absolutely no reason to stop when you get to the top. It’s nice that the stairs move for you instead of you lugging your fat arse up some stationary steps, but that doesn’t mean in the 30 seconds of the ride that you’ve just had, you can’t remember how to move your bloody legs.

This will end in fucking tears…

But really. The mind boggles when you think of it. What causes people to stop all of a sudden at the top of an escalator? Whatever it is they are looking for is not going to be right there as soon as they get off of the damn thing. So why stop? Why not continue the whole, y’know, movement thing with actually walking off into some direction. Chances are nobody will notice if you walk the wrong direction… But if you do stop, don’t be surprised if someone pushes you over. Hopefully you’ll fall and get your face caught on those sharp nasty things at the top that your parents warned you about. Maybe you’ll end up with scars that make you stay in your house. Forever. Because that’ll fucking teach you.

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