Manufacture THIS

Manufactured pop. The musical equivalent of prison rape*.

Am I the only one who is shit sick of these charlatans who call themselves ‘musicians’? Any bugger with a half decent voice can win a karaoke contest. But unless you write your own songs, don’t bother calling yourself a musician. You’re just a little puppet. Seriously, the X Factor and all the related programmes show off the the musical money making machine perfectly.

Pictured: Musical Money Making Machine

What happened to real music? What happened to spending 34 years in the back of a busted van making a bowl of soup a show?

These people who have seemingly been plucked out of the air, or auditioned for a show, haven’t truly worked to get where they have. They haven’t put in the hard graft a proper band has to. Yet they expect everything. Anyone remember that Joe McElderry girl? I’m happy to say I was one of the people who helped keep him from the top spot in 2009. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.


I don’t mind telling you (and let’s be honest, if you’re surprised at this next bit, you have some serious soul searching to do. I mean we’ve been together a whole month now, you and me, and I’ve bared my soul right here. And you still don’t get that I just like to pick on people who deserve it beyond a shadow of a doubt? For shame, reader. For shame.) that when he started complaining about this ‘rage against machines or whatever they’re called’ beating him to Xmas number one, I was incredibly fucking happy. Fuck you, Joe. You don’t deserve shit. Go actually try to forge a proper music career. Although the fact you have divebombed in to obscurity means your shelf life was lower than even Simon and Cheryl could have anticipated.

Speaking of boys, it’s about time I mention boy bands. And I shall mention them thus. Fuck boy bands. Gyrating whilst miming does not constitute music. And yes, I’m sure most (read: all) girl bands do the same. I’d like to defend them on account of being hot (girl bands), but I can probably count on one hand the members of girl bands I find attractive. And it’ll probably go along the lines of: ‘you know, that girl with the hair and the legs. You know which one I mean.’ Now, the older boy bands, I will admit, wrote some of their own songs. Well done. But surely we all remember how Boyzone  started off. It’s like Louis Walsh woke up one day and said ‘I’ve got it! I’ll get some monkeys, dress them up, and make them dance like 15 year old coke addicts trying to impress the spotty yet-strangely-attractive (read: puts out) girl at the disco. If that doesn’t bring in the moola, it’s back out on the streets for me.’

Not the most perceptive of people. Not bad looking though…

Boy bands and girl bands only really have one use as far as I can see: as a bit of relief for pubescents who don’t have access to traditional porn, and are getting desperate. If this describes you, just remember one thing: MUTE BUTTON. It’s for your own safety.

Look, basically what I’m getting at is this. You just don’t appreciate music like I do. You don’t understand music like I do. And that’s not your fault. We can’t all be awesome. But still, have some dignity and at least try to like some proper music. There’s a good boy/girl

*at least to my sensitive ears.

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