The Stumbleupon Experiment

I’ve been on Stumbleupon for a while now. I have about 300 favourite pages. So there must be something out there that I’m interested in. I have a concise yet ranging field of interests for stumbleupon to trawl through. So why does it keep bringing me back shite like a bad sniffer dog who has decided to run for office? It’s like the term ‘stumbleupon’ has been taken in a far too literal and ‘3am wasted on Listerine after we ran out of vodka’ bender. So, here’s what I’m going to do: the following ten entries are all legitimately the next thing that came up, without me skipping any links. And here’s what I think of SU’s choice.

1) Vampire Killing Kit

I’m so fucking bored of vampires. Why the hell have we got an obsession with blokes who may or may not be dead and/or alive who like to drink blood? It was made famous by one story and now apparently it’s real? I pray that this is a fake. Also, are you going to ask the vamp to wait around while you rifle through your drawers getting everything ready? Unless your vampire happens to be Leslie Nielsen, I highly doubt it. Also, fuck Twilight.

Angry man interest score: 1/10
(v. attractive woman dressing up without retarded teeth but in scantily clad attire: 8/10)

2) Harry Potter Comic

Really? Harry Potter? I’m a grown man. And as for the ‘humour’ associated with this – really? I’m a grown man. There’s only one thing related to Latin that can possibly be funny, people, and that is this:

If you don’t know the film refence, go flagilate yourself until you do.

Angry man interest score: 3/10 – mainly because I like comic strips in general, and I got to reference one of my favourite films.

3) Twelve Virtues of Rationality

This is the first one that is genuinely difficult for me to score. I like philosophy; I find it fun. Mainly because I’m one fucked up individual, but that’s besides the point. So maybe instead I’ll have a quick rant at a lot of philosophers. Dumb yourselves down a bit, will you? Now, in my line of work I have to use long, complicated and sometimes ‘made up’ words. I can’t get away from it, and sometimes I even enjoy it. It makes me feel smart. But there are some people who deliberately write in an obtuse fashion, I reckon, simply in order to confuse other people. If that’s not intellectual masturbation, I don’t know what is. ‘Ooooooh I’m so clever! Oh yes, oh yes, I’m going to conclude!’ But fuck that. The whole point of doing this stuff is to discuss it with other people and (drama-queen alert) to help the human race progress. But so much philosophy might as well be a dirty protest. It’s fine that works back in the day are confusing because language has changed. But you’ve got no excuse if you’re contemporary. Go read an interview with Zizek. Count how many times he says ‘fuck’ ‘bollocks’ ‘shit’ or some other such word. That’s how you should be writing. In other news, look out for my highly anticipated book ‘phucking philosophy’.

Angry man interest score: 5/10 – more if it’s actually something I’m interested in. ‘Rationality’ isn’t one of those things.

4) “Actually, America’s Inequality Is Far Worse Than Egypt’s  and Tunisia’s”

Now then, you have to be careful with this stuff. Are we defending Egypt and Tunisia’s governments here? Or are we pointing out a fact? Probably a bit of both. What this does show is that you shouldn’t tust stats alone because without context they tell you fuck all. And how much can you trust the context? If I told you 72% of all sheep farmers liked corn inserted in them every morning, would you believe me? Well, probably not, but I swear it’s true. This one, I’ll admit, is my fault. I do politics for a living, so it’s an interest on SU. But there’s so much jingoistic shite out there it sometimes makes me weep. This particular article is ok, as it goes, but if I see anymore about the arsing Democrats or Republicans I might just… Well, I can’t really say on here. They’re watching me. Always watching. And waiting.

Angry man interest score: 6/10

5) Alcoholic Drinks with Recipes Inspired by the Harry Potter Movie Series

AKA: how to get 13 year old girls in to bed. I don’t need to say any more.

Angry man interest score: -10/10 – yes. Minus.

6) Find a Beautiful Place and Get Lost

Is StumbleUpon telling me to fuck off? I really feel like it’s telling me to fuck off. I don’t even know what interests I’d have set up to return this picture. I don’t have the ‘fucking annoying words related to hipster fucking bollocks’ ticked or anything. And I don’t want to get lost. What if I can never find my way back again? Then that place won’t be so beautiful. Even less so when the cute wittle bunnies start clawing your eyes out after dark. What about if the place is beautiful on TV but a shithole in real life? Like Slough or Swindon? No, wait, there’s something wrong here…

Angry man interest score: 0/10

7) 24 Funniest Ways to Die

Ok, I like this one. But of course, you’d expect that from an angry man, right? What stops it from getting the top score is ‘’

Angry man interest score: 9/10

8 ) Matching Tattoo Art

Two in a row, SU! You’re on fire! I like laughing at retards (not people with actual learning difficulties or suchlike, mind). One or two (ok, maybe one) or the tattoos was quite nice though…

Angry man interest score: 7/10

9) “Giving Someone all of Your love…”

Fuck off, internet. Don’t lecture me on love. It worked out alright for Led Zeppelin, didn’t it? Also, fucking hipsters.

Angry man interest score: 0/10

10) Asian Christopher Walken Impressions

Um, I’m pretty sure this is racist on some level. Why is it more funny to see Asian people do impressions of Westerners? I’m certain I left the ‘racism’ and ‘white power’ interest boxes unticked. I imagine it’s like people anthropomorphising a dog: ‘Look! It’s trying to be people!’

Angry man interest score: 0/10

So there we have it: the ten most recent stumbles of my life result in a combined score of 21/100.  StumbleUpon says it learns your preferences. I think it just says that and is actually outside doing meth or something.

One Response to “The Stumbleupon Experiment”
  1. Melanie says:

    Fucking hipsters. I think Christopher Walken impressions have become the latest craze among the hipster crowd. No joke. I was never really that into Christopher Walken but even more so now I don’t want to hear his voice.

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